Phone Sex – A Beginners Guide

No, I don’t mean the paid-for, chat-line phone sex. That’s just cold and impersonal, there’s no thought or intimacy behind it at all. I mean two lovers, who know each other’s real names and passions. The act of having sex over the phone with somebody can be both maddeningly frustrating and equally arousing.

With only sound as feedback, one needs to tell more, describe fully, and be ultra-clear about progress. Codes will develop that signal shifts of mood or movement; rises of volume or breathing pace when speeding up, slowing down, starting to come; favoured words and phrases that trigger memories or fantasies. Create a scenario; take it in turns to tell a story; ask intimate questions and answer them; make a confession of lust or love. For her in particular, fingers, vibrators and sound will likely do it all; if he hankers for visuals too, get her to do it in front of a mirror and describe herself.

Once supremely in sync, slide into control games, there is a special arousal in being directed long-distance – the other’s voice alone telling one to “stop…start…pause” while one fights the temptation to tip over the edge. And there is a special pleasure in knowing that your lover is being aroused solely by your direction and is doing precisely what you instruct. If in charge, keep yourself simmering too, so that when the other is on the edge, you can first give them permission (to “come now”) and then immediately join them in climax.

Below are 5 golden rules to follow when it comes to phone sex. I haven’t written them in any particular order since each one is as important as the next. Use them together. Take them as advice and go from there.

Number 1 – Feelings.

In the same way that erotica writers write about feelings and reactions and not just actions, couples who want to get the most out of carnal relations over the phone, need to make sure they use their words to describe how they feel – how the conversation is making them feel or how your partner is making you feel. This could be by prompting them to remember a particularly enjoyable and ahem, intimate moment you have recently shared or you could just be generic and say things like ‘you always know just how I like it..’

Alternatively, you could just describe to your partner what you’re doing to yourself and how that is making you feel. Tell them how being on the phone with them and sharing this experience with them, makes you feel. You don’t have to go straight into X-rated chat. In fact you don’t have to talk like that to each other at all if you don’t want to. You can just talk to each other how you would normally. Saying something like ‘I wish you were lying next to me right now’ in a certain voice, at a certain moment can swing the conversation around from ordinary to intimate and sexy.

Phone sex is about using the act of describing feelings and emotions you experience with your partner when you’re getting intimate. It’s about re-creating that atmosphere you create when you are together. You have to create a story, a fantasy, that surrounds you both and lets you see past the distance that separates you and get lost in your collective thoughts.

Number 2 – Any Questions?

Unless it’s arranged beforehand, phone sex is spontaneous and leads on from an ordinary conversation. A simple sound or word can turn a pleasant chat or a tentative exchange, into something a whole lot more sensual. Questions play a vital role in phone sex. They allow you to lead each other by asking direct and specific things in order to gain responses. For example, ask her what’s she’s wearing, whatever she replies you can say how you would love to peel those clothes off of her. Ask him if he misses your touch and tell him how much you miss how he tastes.

In life, questions act as prompts. You ask somebody a question and they give you an answer. This is why they are so important when it comes to phone sex, because you can use them to lead the conversation to where you want it to go. By asking questions and giving answers, phone sex can make you a better lover because it teaches you both how to give direction and how to receive it.

Number 3 – Guidance.

Statistically, women have more trouble throwing away their inhibitions and getting stuck into talking dirty without any tentativeness or shyness in sight. However, there are exceptions to every rule and statistics are there to be challenged. Whether male or female, if phone sex is something new or different to somebody, it’s important to make them feel as relaxed and comfortable as possible so they can enjoy the experience properly.

If your partner seems hesitant, try to guide their actions. Give them gentle but firm instructions. Talk them through undressing themselves. Tell your partner how to remove their clothes and when. Guide their hands with your words. Tell them where to caress and get them to describe how it feels. When you verbally take control of the situation, it makes things less awkward and gives a certain structure to the fun. You can make the whole act play out like a story or a scene in a movie. Beginning, middle and end.

Number 4 – Fantasies.

Even if beginners are tentative at first, it’s important to remember that phone sex typically allows participants to feel less inhibited than if they were together in person. People feel freer on the phone because they’re just talking about their desires and needs rather than actually doing them. Phone sex can be the perfect way to introduce to your partner something you want to try out in the bedroom. You can hedge your bets and see how they respond to your particular fantasy. If there’s something you’ve been dying to try, the explicit thrill of phone sex will keep you both horny as hell even with the distance between you.

We’re different people when we’re aroused. Some of us have fantasies we’d never dream of acting out, however; this doesn’t make the fantasy any less real in our heads or any less of a turn on. Most of the time, fantasies are there because we may never be able to fulfil them, they are hardly ever there to be made into reality. However, phone sex is words, not actions. Yes, it’s an intimate connection between two people who know each others’ minds and bodies but it’s also an invaluable opportunity to communicate sexually with each other, without being able to act on your words straight away.

Number 5 – Communication

People use phones for communication. Phone sex should be no different. It doesn’t work unless there’s a fair exchange of information, it should be two way. You could have one person doing most of the talking, doesn’t mean the other person is silent. Sometimes, we underestimate how sexy heavy breathing, a small moan or a long guttural growl can be. This holds especially true for those who are quite vocal in the bedroom. If she screams and moans in the bedroom, she’s likely to enjoy the same thing over the phone so she’ll appreciate all the more, the smaller grunts and groans you make.

However, going back to what I said about there being less barriers and less shyness over the phone than in person, those who tend to be quieter or stay away from dirty talk, might find it easier communicate in this way when they can’t see their partner. Don’t be afraid to sound cliched – it’s true that asking her what she wearing can be really un-sexy just because of the fact it’s such a stereotype, but if you’re aroused by it then why not?

In conclusion then, there might be differences in how your partner behaves and interacts with you over the phone compared to when you’re in person. However, when you and your partner are just starting out, it’s vital that you get to know what they enjoy sex-wise. You need to learn all of their likes and dislikes find all of their buttons and how to push them. Phone sex is no different. You have to discover what they enjoy and what they want from the conversation and the same goes for you as well.

Phone sex is a fantastic way to reach out and touch somebody when you can’t actually feel their skin pressed up against yours. Let the words flow and let your hands wander and remember that phone sex doesn’t only require a good connection with your signal provider; it requires a fantastic connection with your partner too.

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